Running Off the Road

Sometimes it happens. Sometimes you run off the road. You know how to drive, after all, you've been doing it a while. But something happens and it completely derails you. This interruption can be as simple as one wheel grazing the shoulder or as complex as totaling the car into a tree. Either way, you've survived the ordeal and need to be sure you aren't afraid to get back behind the wheel.

For me, I think the answer is pretty obvious! It's been over a year since I wrote anything. Yeah, I hit the tree! But I have been trying to get back on track. The key word here is TRYING. If I really wanted to get back to it, I would just do it, no trying about it. I haven't been at my best for a while now, as there's been a lot that's been going on over the last year. I won't go into details, because it doesn't really matter, whatever I said, it would just be a list of excuses.

Those excuses are done. I'm back! I've been doing some things right, physically, but mentally, it has been a challenge. I'm ready to get going again. I will need to make some changes along the way and that might include this blog. I've always done it from a driving perspective, but I don't know how many more car metaphors I have in me. So you'll have to forgive me if I veer off that path on occasion and just use this space as a way to get my inside voice, well, outside!

If you're still here and have been waiting on me to get the hell out of the rest stop, thank you! I expect that by the end of the year, I will be in a better place and it will be because I've rejoined the Road Trip!

When a Detour Becomes the New Route

Oh, hi. I know, you all feel like I've been neglecting you lately. Well, I actually feel the same about myself. For the longest time, I was solely focused on me...and then somewhere along the way, it changed. I'm working on that refocusing stuff, but in the meantime, I've been put on a major detour. And I'm not talking about going down a side road, when you want to go through a major intersection, I'm talking about being rerouted to Hwy 41 when you know you're supposed to be on Interstate 75! 

While I will always struggle to keep my vehicle on course, sometimes what's going on outside the car is a little more important. Recently my Aunt Bonnie (one of my biggest Cheerleaders in my weight loss journey) has been diagnosed with Glioblastoma Multiforme. Basically, it sucks. And it has given me the opportunity to reevaluate everything that is important in life. She is only 12 years older than I am and she is the youngest of her sisters. What is happening to her absolutely sucks, but what I've learned over the last several years is that once we put our minds to something, there is no road block that can keep us from our destination. Things won't be easy and, as her husband, my Mom and Aunt April can attest, they are already challenging, but it's amazing what the support of family, friends and total strangers can do. Life is the most uncertain of things that we wander through and at a second's notice, the life we once expected can be turned on its head. Never get comfortable in the driver's seat, you never know what hazards lie ahead.

While I usually make this blog about my experiences, I thought it was a good time to get Bonnie's story out to the world. There is a lot of shit going on right now and we could all use some good news. Bonnie is the queen of spreading happiness and good news and anytime you can help share her story, we are grateful. Now, if only we could hear good news of acceptance from Duke's Brain Tumor program. But if that's not written in the directions we are currently following, we are just going to have to re-write the directions.

If you are interested in hearing more about Bonnie's GBM battle, can donate or would like to spread the word, please click HERE.

Beware of Reckless Drivers

OK, so I know that I have talked about “Road Rage” in the past, but that was mainly about anonymous hating focused on people whom I have never met simply trying to live their lives. I want to address the reckless drivers out there who pose a specific threat to my personal journey. There is no doubt that the internet offers a certain level of anonymity that has been the downfall of basic human kindness. I guess it’s the internet. I’d prefer not to think that the bully mentality that is so prevalent today is not because Homo sapiens suck, in general, as a species.

Anyway, as I was saying, I’ve dragged my soap box out previously to discuss how people can bash random people for being “chunky” or “fat” or any other derogatory term that indicates someone doesn’t meet the impossible standards that Hollywood— in it’s infinite wisdom— has set for how women should look. What I never expected to be discussing was how I have suddenly been subjected to some of this anonymous, random internet trolling (I believe a radio show known as The Kane Show refers to it as the 1% Effect: no matter how positive a story, there’s 1% of the population that will still find something negative to say.)

 When the story of my journey was published on CNN’s website and then, subsequently, around the world, I never dreamed that I would be reading negative comments about me. What I’ve come to realize through this entire ordeal is that I am a much stronger person than I could have imagined. Reading what these reckless drivers are saying actually amuses me and spurs me on to continue to succeed. People who say I will gain all my weight back in a year because diets don’t work or those who think it’s so easy to lose 150+ pounds and they don’t understand why it took me 2 1/2 years. Really? While I would really like to address each and every naysayer, I realized...who cares what they think? They are just sitting at their keyboards, hating their own lives hoping to lash out at any success that they see in hopes of derailing, or emotionally stunting, the ones who have had the success. Well, guess what? It’s not gonna work! Much like keeping a weary eye on the driver who is weaving in and out of traffic, with little regard to his own safety or that of the other drivers on the road around him, I will have to learn to be vigilant, keep my eyes wide open and stay alert and shake it off. I never, in a million years, thought I would understand where Taylor Swift was coming from!

Who knows if there will be more spotlights shining on me in the future. If there are, then that means more detractors. As long as I learn my lesson now, I should be able to navigate the crazy drivers that are sure to be on the road ahead and make sure that I stay clear of any collisions that they may cause.

Starting Again is Not the Same Starting Over

Have you ever driven somewhere so many times that you could do it with your eyes closed? Well, maybe not closed, but you know what I mean. Have you ever found yourself at a destination with no real memory of actually making the drive? Not because your memory was impaired, but because the route was so intimately familiar that you didn't have to think about it, you just went through the motions, and – voilà – destination reached!

Believe it or not, I just had that experience on an eight-hour ride! You wouldn't think that a trip that long could go by in a blur, but it did. Not that I wasn't paying attention, I was, but the time just seemed to fly by (of course, time is doing that a lot lately). Anyway, what I realized as I was making my trek northward, is that sometimes you have to go back to the beginning of your road trip to find the raison d'être- rediscover that spark, if you will- to discover why you are even on the journey at all.

You see, ever since I hit my goal, I've been struggling with the mental transition from losing to staying. After two and a half years of losing weight, I still feel bad if I maintain. But that’s the point of hitting “goal”…maintaining. So, as I started out of my driveway, it dawned on me that this is my first road trip since hitting the magic number. And even though the literal drive would be the same, I had the opportunity to view the figurative one through different eyes.

So, I've always said that my “road trip” would never end, I would just keep changing destinations, but I think now I've realized that the destination will always be the same, but the course I choose to get there will actually be different. While losing weight, I needed to focus on reaching the small milestones along the way (and Weight Watchers is fabulous at helping people celebrate those small, but significant, achievements). Upon hitting my goal, I needed to take a few steps back, look at how far I've come and then get back in the car and do it all again. And as with all road trips, just when you think you can’t take it anymore, can’t be in the car for one more second, you realize you are right where you are supposed to be at that moment in time. For some reason, that realization allows you to keep focus on the task at hand and helps with the overwhelming sensation that the road is too long, the journey too difficult. Once you realize how much you have given of yourself to be at that point, it should put everything in perspective ­– nothing is as long and difficult as what is already behind you.

So, what I discovered on my literal road trip, is that I shouldn't dread what’s ahead of me, it will be over before I know it and I should just enjoy the drive, scenery, music and everything that comes with the ride along the way. No fretting, I've done it before, and I know I will do it again, I just have to keep learning something new with every trip so that I don’t get bored. Staying the course is not an option, only changing it along the way will keep me challenged.

Dangerous Curves Shouldn't Only Apply To Roads

OK, I get it, it’s been a minute since I have posted anything. Many of you may have thought I’d abandoned this road trip since I hit my goal. Well, rest assured, I haven’t. Getting to my goal was only the first part of my journey. I will be on this excursion for the rest of my life, and I look forward to the adventure that awaits me.

So, now that I have the reassurances out of the way that I am still alive and well, I wanted to get on with the bur under my saddle– the nail in my tire, so to speak– that inspired a soap-box moment on Facebook last night: the media still doesn't understand women and the struggle we all go through in order to feel accepted by our peers and by society. And really, now that we are generations removed from the Marilyn Monroe/Jean Harlow glory days where real women had curves and looked like women instead of 13 year old boys, why should I expect that the media would be accepting of a woman who breaks the mold. You know, the mold of someone who only drinks water (but not too much, for fear of retaining it), might eat a celery stick and smokes plenty of cigarettes to keep her mind off of starving herself. The kind of girl who presents a completely unnatural, impossible ideal of what is expected of women. While I don’t have any real statistics, I could guess that only about 3% of American women fit the media’s perception of what the perfect woman is: 0% body fat, 5’10” (or taller), around 100 lbs. Who knows, maybe that percentage is a little high, maybe it’s way off, but what I can tell you is that probably 95% of that 3% live in Hollywood, the other 5% are probably in an eating-disorder clinic.

What, you may be asking yourself, brought on this rant? Well, I’ll tell you…it was an interview I saw with Miss Indiana. She made quite the splash at the recent Miss USA pageant because, according to media outlets, she has a “normal” body type. Normal…let that sink in for a minute. So, does that mean there is, on some level, an understanding that the other girls in the competition aren't normal? Let’s consider a few things here:

• She may be normal and a hit on social media, but her Bikini Scores weren't high enough to allow her to move into the Top 10 finalists (judges message: she’s too fat)
• She’s 5’8”, weighs 137 lbs. and is a size 4 (really, that’s normal?)
• She is, on average, 25 pounds heavier than the other girls in the competition

What is the message we are sending the young girls sitting in front of the TV watching this spectacle? Well, it seems to be “if you are a size 4, you are too fat to win a beauty pageant.” I’m still trying to wrap my head around the fact that a size 4 is “normal”.

I mentioned Marilyn and Jean earlier, and I must go back and elaborate on them for a minute. Back in the day, they were considered “Blonde Bombshells” with curves that went on for days! When you looked at them, you couldn't count their ribs or you didn't fear that they might fall over from exhaustion, dehydration or starvation with their next step. No, they were real women and they looked like women. And what’s really amazing is, even today, if you have a picture of a Victoria’s Secret Angel next to the iconic picture of Marilyn in the white dress over the street vent and you show them to a random selection of men, guess which one they will choose? But put the same two pictures in front of women and ask them which one they would prefer to emulate, and I bet the results would be disappointing, yet not shocking.

But, my final realization in all of this is that it doesn't matter what you weigh, what size you are as long as you are healthy. Happy is a side-effect of healthy and if you can be healthy at 5’8” and 137 lbs., go for it. If you can be healthy and happy at 5’6” and 160, go for it. But don’t let society dictate what is “normal” because then the world would be a very boring place. So be abnormal and live your own life, that’ll teach’em!